Que Sera Sara

Um, so apparently the Social Security Administration actually spends money tracking this shit. I guess it’s pretty interesting. Essentially what it reveals is that boys’ names are dull and girls’ names are much like those of grandmothers who dwell among the Amish or the Italians.

Here they are, the Top 10 Boy/Girl Baby Names of 2007, with my helpful-ass comments:
1. Jacob/Emily: Yawn/Amish
2. Michael/Isabella: Snore/Italian
3. Ethan/Emma: Furniture/Amish OR Italian
4. Joshua/Ava: Bo-rrrring/Italian
5. Daniel/Madison: Dull/Death
6. Christopher/Sophia: Snooze/Italian
7. Anthony/Olivia: Lame/Italian
8. William/Abigail: Pilgrim/Amish
9. Matthew/Hannah: Comatose/Amish
10. Andrew/Elizabeth: Unconscious/Amish

And feature this: my own Amish name, Sara, is at #81, while Sarah is at THE EXACT REVERSE, #18! OMG America, will you never tire of bewitching us with your numerology?

Rebeca with one “c”, which is just mad fucked up, is deservedly down at the bottom of the list at #949. Don’t try to fancy up an Amish name, American moms; just roll with Rebecca and calm the fuck down, unless you’re all Ortho and need to name the kid Rivkah, which is a totally different and somewhat better name. Messiah and Scarlet are at #723, which is exactly where they belong. Actually, Messiah shouldn’t be on the list at all, but non-model minorities continue to bring the magic when it comes to hideous nomenclature. Can we please all take a note from the Asians and stick to Crystal, Helen and Amy? Thanks, minorities.

RAAAAACIST! RAAAAAAAAAAACIST!

I apologize for the blatant stereotyping in that last statement, even though it’s true. EXCEPT that white people continue to perpetrate the most disgusting name of all, Madison, upon the American public. It’s a fucking surname and avenue name, not a fucking first name, okay?

#626: Xzavier. Yeah.

#557: Kennedi. I shit you not. See above rants about Madison and Messiah. They both apply.

This leads me to wonder what I would name a full-grown human parasite if it popped out of my undercarriage right now. Aside from “OhshitImissedmyPill Benincasa-Donnelly,” I’m not sure what name would befit the benighted little fucker. It wouldn’t be Miracle (#461) or America (#462). Those are stripper names.

It might, however, be Juliana (#160–that’s my Confirmation name), Liliana (#151–a version of my mother’s name), Mabel (because it’s so old-school it’s like a great-great-great grandma name, which is much more badass than just a grandma name), Luciana (#828), or Graciela (#979). Or Kenyon (my grandmother’s maiden name).

And if it were a boy? I’m going with “WhatthefuckamIgoingtodowithaboy Benincasa-Donnelly.” Or Kenyon. Seamus (#754) rules because it’s like a crazy old Irish fisherman name. Atticus (#683) is cool because of that badass book, but that’s like some name that self-aggrandizing, cheesy Brooklyn male writers give their children that they have two years after they make it big. Finnegan (#653) is a great name, but it’s an Irish last name, and it’s also my friend Kambri’s husband’s last name, and how creepy would THAT be if you were my friend and I was all of a sudden like, “Oh, BY THE WAY, I’ll be naming my son after the last name of your boyfriend/husband…NO REASON, JUST LIKE THE NAME IS ALL!” So that one’s out for me. I also like the name Westin, but it’s the name of a hotel chain, and Weston is the last name of my friend Diana Saez’s husband Sam, so there’s that creepy ish all over again. Cedric (#590) is awesome but it is the name of a gay old British man, or a black kid on your junior high basketball team (not the best kid on the team, but a player with a lot of hustle), or my comedy friend Carla Rhodes’ ventriloquist doll, so again, out. River (#561) is pretty but it’s for hippies and even though I am sort of an aspiring pantheistic ecoterrorist, I’m not a hippie, and also I’d prefer not to name my son after anyone who ate it outside the Viper Room after doing a speedball. NEXT!

Declan (#349) is unabashedly awesome, and I’m not going to apologize for liking it. Gael (#296) is also awesome.