Adventures in Latent Catholicism at the New Yorker Festival Party

This is like some fucked-up hipster alt-comedy literary snob version of the Pieta.

Awesomest things that happened tonight at the New Yorker party:

1.) Me and Ces showed up and Diana and Sam were already hanging out with and drankin’ on some champers with Wes Craven and his awesome wife, producer Iya Labunka, who has worked on many films (including “The Life Aquatic”) and was an associate producer on “Heathers”!!!!! I told her, “IT’S LIKE YOU JUST FUCKING TOLD US THAT YOU WROTE ECCLESIASTES!” I was drunk.

2.) Diana kept calling Wes Craven “Wes Craven.” She also pitched a movie to him called “When A Mother Calls,” which is about when your mother calls you and you realize…SHE’S CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. (And, presumably, she wants to know why you haven’t yet produced any grandchildren.)

Diana's handsome consort, Sam, contemplates his New Zealand heritage, and also booze.

3.) Diana told author Jeffrey Eugenides (and this is, I’m pretty sure, a direct quote): “I really loved Middlesex. I have read it repeatedly, and I really relate to it, although I’m not a hermaphrodite.”

4.) Diana explained the concept of “the night rapes” to Iya Labunka, Wes Craven, and a lovely New York Times writer named Brooke. She said it thusly: “The night rapes are when you are kind of unconscious and your husband and you start having sex. It’s awesome because you’re sort of asleep and it’s like you’re fucking a stranger. It’s pretty much the greatest thing ever.” I added that when I talk about it on the radio I refer to it as “workin’ on the night moves.”

As per usual.

5.) We drank free champagne and wine and Maker’s Mark.

6.) People kept bringing us delicious chocolate and coconut things.

No tainted Chinese infant formula for us!

7.) The bathroom at the Gramercy Park Hotel was adjacent to a room that looked like a family den in a suburban house, except with more expensive art, and also there was a glass curio shelf which contained various prescription drugs, or the packaging for what may have been fake prescription drugs. Was the room a comment on suburban life, or was I just drunk? Or both?

8.) I was looking at this guy and smiling, and then he came over to talk to me, and I thought he was going to hit on me, but then I realized it was our boss, Brian, from 23/6!

9.) Diana and Sam saw Regina Spektor and Oliver Stone, and me and Ces didn’t, but we saw Alan Cumming, who we are all pretty sure is fucking awesome.

Our new poster for the La Leche League.

10.) Ces looked very handsome in his suit. Did you know that Wil Wheaton dropped out of the Hot Blogger Calendar photo shoot, and Ces was the runner-up, so now HE IS DOING THE SHOOT WITH JOSH FROM COMICS CURMUDGEON?! It’s a true story! He’s going to be in the Hot Blogger Calendar! This is so what everyone I know is getting for Christmas! The shoot is Sunday.

11.) We talked about Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin fucking in outer space.

12.) On the walk up Park Avenue towards our homeland, Diana started playing with garbage, including a discarded bra and a shoe, both of which she threw in the air.

I wasn't kidding.

13.) We saw Rhonda, the awesome director of the festival, and Michael, who is also awesome and is also working hard on the festival, and embraced them with much fervor.

14.) Diana told Wes Craven about how her brothers used to scare her with Freddy Krueger stories and then said, “SO THANKS A LOT, WES!”

15.) Diana told Wes Craven and Iya Labunka, “I saw Salman Rushdie. Did you see Salman Rushdie? I saw him and my head exploded.”

[All photos by Francesco Marciuliano.]